With the ball carrier hurtling towards him, Pete Stenhoff, a high school junior, charges towards the boy to make a tackle. This, though, will be the last tackle Stenhoff ever makes. His head careers into the ball carriers chest, cracking vertebrae in his spine. The 16-year-old will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
“I knew the risks involved when I decided to play football,” says Stenhoff, ‘I wish I would have known just how bad it could be.”
Unfortunately, this is a reality that is far too common for those who take part in high school football. There are 20,000 injuries each year at this level of the sport, 12 percent of which leave the victim permanently disabled. Thirty-five percent of injuries occurred to the head or neck. A large number of critics blame these statistics on the helmets used.
1 comment:
You've got the "focus" concept. Good! However, your lead could use some work.
You start off with elements of a strong narrative lead (good choice!), but the changes in tense are confusing/distracting. How about:
With the ball carrier hurtling towards him, high school junior Pete Stenhoff dove in to make a tackle. It was the last one he would ever make.
When Stenhoff's head smacked into the ball carrier's chest, he cracked vertebrae in his spine. As a result, he now uses a wheelchair...and probably will for the rest of his life.
Make the transition to the rest of the story without "unfortunately" (verges on commentary). The rest works.
13.5/15
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